Lessons from the prophet's marriage to Khadeejah - Shaikh Ishtiaq Rais Madani

Contents:

The need for marriage:

Benefits of Marriage: 

His marriage to Khadeejah:

Do not delay for unworthy reasons:

Virtues of Khadeejah, the great: 

Her death: 

Keep high morals even if you're alone: 

Da'wah, not business:

Bismillahir Rahmaan ar-Raheem

The need for marriage:

As believers in Allah and his messenger, we have esteem respect for the mothers of believers. There are few people who revere only the unmarried women. But Islam understands the need of humans for marriage, and thus it not only gives them this right but even recommends it. Marriage is for لتسكنوا اليها (seeking pleasure). It is needed as much as water and food is required. Thus women are not seen lowly or a problem or a woe-to-men (as people in olden times would say in Europe), but a way to seek peace. Therefore, Allah granted permission: Marry two, three, four.. but if you fear marry only one. Thus, many scholars have said that multiple marriage is asl (basis) as Allah began with two. And only the one who fear injustice may live with one, otherwise the general recommendation is to marry in twos, three and fours.




Many people object to the issue of polygamy. But the one who manufactures a product knows best about it. It is Allah who created man with his two hands, he knows best what is required for humans and what is suitable for them, so won't he know better what is beneficial or not? We see multiple marriage to be something that prevents us from work and studies. But if you look at the companions, they married two, three and four women yet they achieved what they achieved! They would have fifteen to thirty children! Look at Ali, Uthman and others. What they did was in accordance to Islam.



Similarly, Islam encourages marriage of those not able to get married:

وأنكحوا الأيامى منكم

'And marry the unmarried among you.' [Noor 24:32]




Thus, poverty is not necessary barrier. A sahabi was married but was very poor. But then, he married another woman. Then, another one. And he married once again, and this wife was a skilled one. She taught skills to the other wives, and they lead their lives in wealth and harmony.




So, if a man has strength, then he should marry multiple women. And very often, women in cities are in much excess where multiple marriage is not common. Look at countries like India, Pakistan and Bangladesh; a family gets worried if it gets more than just two or three daughters. On the contrary, in other lands where multiple marriages are accepted, families are glad to have daughters as they do not need to worry for their marriage. Thus, if Islam has permitted this for us, then we should not have issue for marrying multiple times. We are emphasizing this as people have criticized our messenger (ﷺ) on this issue. 




The Messenger of Allah said:




من استطاع منكم الباءة فليتزوج




'Whoever among you can afford to get married, let him do so, and whoever cannot afford it should fast, for it will be a restraint (Wija) for him.'



The prophet (ﷺ) encouraged us to marry, and those who are poor and cannot afford accommodation and shelter for the wife, then he must fast. Fasting is not for those who are weak, as a weak man does not has desire! But it is for those who have the strength and desire to marry, but aren't able to afford. 




Another option that we have been given by Allah is slave women. This is when a battle occurs between Muslims and non-Muslims, and non Muslim women become are captivated, and made slaves. In this case, it is permissible to have them. So, we have only two options, either marriage or slavery.




تاخير البيان عن وقت الحاجة لا يجوز

It is not permissible delay when it is a requirement.




If there was some other way, he would have informed the ummah. Allah stated:




إِلَّا عَلَىٰ أَزْوَاجِهِمْ أَوْ مَا مَلَكَتْ أَيْمَانُهُمْ




'Except from their wives or those their right hands possess, for indeed, they will not be blame.' [Al-Mu'minūn 23:6]



Those who seek ways to their desires other than these are sinners in the sight of Allah 'azzawajal.


Benefits of Marriage:



There are many benefits of marriage. It is the sunnah of all the prophets. And it is the method of righteous people.



The hadith we mentioned earlier that says that marriage controls the gaze.


فإنه أغض للبصر

One would not look and search right and left to fulfill their desire. After marriage, one must control themselves and their gaze more than before, as the sin is worse if committed now.


It is also beneficial as it multiplies the ummah of Muhammad. The prophet (ﷺ) said:

تزوجوا الودود الولود

'Marry the one who is fertile and loving, for I will boast of your great numbers.' [Sunan an Nasa'i]

Ibn Al Qayyim (rahimahullah) said:

When the wife will be a very loving one, the husband would show her much affection. And when he would love her a lot, he would get very close, which would lead to multiple children. Thus, it is a very important characteristic of a good wife, and such is the recommended one.



Marriage is essential for continuity of humanity. One may say that they would have children without marriage as well. Yes, but that would be either through slaves or through the impermissible way (which has several demerits apart from the punishment of Allah).



And marriage is half of faith. The prophet (ﷺ) said:



إِذَا تَزَوَّجَ الْعَبْدُ فَقَدِ اسْتَكْمَلَ نِصْفُ الدِّيْنِ فَلْيَتَّقِ اللهَ فِي النِّصْفِ الْبَاقِي

Anas ibn Maalik (radiyallahu anh) narrated that the Messenger of Allah said:

Whoever Allah blesses with a righteous wife, then He has assisted him in half of his deen. So therefore, let him fear Allah in the other half. (Al-Mustadrak: 10/2681)



Similarly, marriage gives a unique form of love. One may say that he loves such and such girl in his class, or in the office etc. But nah! That is a temporary love, how-much ever strong the delusion be. Once her beauty begins to fade, your love will as well fade away. A woman may love someone for that man's wealth, and a man may love only to fulfill his lust, and then dump her. Know that it is very unjust to name this relationship as "love"! Islam seek honesty. Thus, this is the permissible way to fulfill our desires.



You will find all these benefits in all the marriages of the prophet (ﷺ), but apart from these, you'll notice some other specific benefits through his marriages. And it was among his khasaais (specific to him), not for others in the ummah. And when he died, nine of his wives were alive. 


His marriage to Khadeejah:



 
His first wife was Khadeejah bint Khuwailid. This is known to every kid of Islam, alhamdulillah. By marrying her, he broke the belief of his people who would consider divorced to be accursed. This is one of the major benefits that we find, that he married an elderly divorced mother of two children. Her name was: Khadeejah bint Khuwailid bin.... Kusai bin Kilab. At this point, the family of the prophet (ﷺ) and the family of Khadeejah matches together. Thus, he married a woman of his own tribe. However, if one gets an offer from outside the tribe or family, then it may be given preference so that the love between the ummah increases and widens. If you marry someone of your own family, this benefit is not found. 




This is more common among the Arabs till today. Thus, our ustadh Muhammad Atiyyah Salim (rahimahullah) said in a lecture of his in Masjid an Nabawi, "I know someone who married someone from outside the tribe. The wife's father was mentally disable. After her marriage, the tribesmen surrounded their house, and asked the wife to leave the house. They took his wife forcefully merely due to tribal difference." 

This continues till today, and it creates many difficulties. For instance, if you don't find any proper individual for marriage from your tribe, then you'll be forced to marry some irreligious man. 


Do not delay for unworthy reasons:


Our prophet (ﷺ) informed us:



إِذَا خَطَبَ إِلَيْكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ دِينَهُ وَخُلُقَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ


The Messenger of Allah said: "When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and abounding discord (Fasad)." [Tirmidhi]



He did not say that he should be from such and such place, family or tribe. If he is religious and with good manners, then accept it. It may happen that your search for the "perfect proposal" may make it too long.



Many end up marrying those who don't even let them to even perform Salah, or recite the Qur'an! Why is it that many parents nourish their daughters very well on the deen, but they hand her to any random man without looking into his deen and manners? This is what we need to comprehend.



Al Waqidi has narrated that Khadeejat-ul Kubra's father passed away before her marriage. So who was her wali (guardian) in the marriage? This was Amr bin Asad, her maternal uncle.



Zubair bin Bakkar (historian )says: "In the days of Jahiliyyah (ignorance), the nick name of Khadeejat-ul kubra was "tahirah" (pure). Reflect on this. This is in itself a point in favor of our prophet (ﷺ) as the very first who he married was such a noble woman. 



And her mother was Fatimah bint Zayeda Quraishiyyah, from Banu Aamir bin Lui (recheck).



How and when the marriage took place has been narrated in much length, anyone interested may refer to the Seerah books.



What was the age of the messenger of Allah? Narrations mention his age to be 25 years old. And the age of Khadeeja-tul Kubra is reported to be 35 or 40 years old. She was fifteen years older than him. So, if we add 25 + 15, the age of Khadeeja must be 40.



Now stop and reflect on this. Very often we reject proposals of women just due to minor age differences. And we say, "Ah my son is younger than their daughter! How can they get married?"



Look at the religiousness and manners, but don't concentrate so much on the age! It's only puberty that matters. Our role model, prophet (ﷺ) married older and younger women. He married Khadija though she was approx 15 years older, and he married Aisha when he was 53 years old and our mother Aisha was nine years old.


So, don't be over concerned about the age, as both is proved from the sunnah.


People today criticize those who marry in the permissible limits of Islam. If Islam has permitted something, then who are we to prohibit it?


Virtues of Khadeejah, the great:

 

There are many virtues of Khadijat-ul Kubra. She was the mother of believers in her life time, and was the leader of all women of all nations of her time. All the children of the messenger of Allah were through her, with the exception of one son (Ibraheem). She bore four daughters and two sons. Ruqayyah, Zainab, Umm Kulthum and Fatima were the names of the daughters. And Qasim and Abdullah were the two sons. In certain books, you'll find the names "Tayyib" and "Tahir", but these are the nicknames of Abdullah. And few have mentioned that the reason for this nickname was that Abdullah was born after the prophethood, but the rest other than Fatima, were born in the days of Jahiliyyah. Thus, he was called Tayyib (good) and Tahir (pure). But this is not an issue, as every child is born good and pure:




"كل مولود يولد على الفطرة "

“Every child is a born on Islam” Thus, that reason makes very less sense.




Ibn Atheer (rahimahullah) said: "Khadija was the first one to accept Islam according to the Ijmaa (consensus) of the Muslims."




This is what he said. But we should not argue over who first accepted Islam. The first from the men was Abu Bakr As Siddeeq. Among the women was Khadeejat-ul Kubra. Among the children was Ali ibn Abi Talib. Among the freed slaves was Zaid ibn Haritha. And first from among the non freed slaves was Bilal ibn Abi Rabah. This is the solution to it. But if you were to look into narrations, certain narrations mention Ali, others mention Abu Bakr like the poetry of Hassan Ibn Thaabit (wa awwalan- nasi man saddaqa rasula). And others mention Khadeejat-ul Kubra, which could be true as well. This is because after the incident in the cave with Jibreel, he first went to his house and informed her about it. This is what men usually do when they fear about something; they prefer to tell their wives instead of the general public. And she was the one who took him to her cousin Warqah ibn Naufal .. (refer complete story in ar-Raheeq al Makhtoom).




And there is no doubt that he was into several social services even before his prophet-hood. And Ibn Atheer used the above incident to prove that Khadeejah was the first one to accept Islam. But however, this should not be a matter of argument among us, and we mentioned that solution to this dispute earlier.




If we were to mention only the virtues of Khadeejah alone on the basis of narrations, it would end up making this a thick book of 200-300 pages. But let us mention a few:




"‏ خَيْرُ نِسَائِهَا خَدِيجَةُ بِنْتُ خُوَيْلِدٍ وَخَيْرُ نِسَائِهَا مَرْيَمُ ابْنَةُ عِمْرَانَ ‏"‏




Narrated 'Ali bin Abi Talib:


that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: "The best of its women is Khadeejah bint Khuwailid, and the best of its women is Mariam bint 'Imran." [Tirmidhi]







عَنْ عَائِشَةَ ـ رضى الله عنها ـ قَالَتْ مَا غِرْتُ عَلَى امْرَأَةٍ مَا غِرْتُ عَلَى خَدِيجَةَ، وَلَقَدْ أَمَرَهُ رَبُّهُ أَنْ يُبَشِّرَهَا بِبَيْتٍ فِي الْجَنَّةِ‏.‏








Narrated `Aisha:


I never felt so jealous of any woman as I felt of Khadeeja, for Allah ordered him (the Prophet (ﷺ) ) to give Khadeeja the glad tidings of a palace in Paradise (for her). [Saheeh al Bukhari]

He would send meat and gifts to her friends.




So, we learn from this that we should also continue to show respect and compassion to the friends of our parents, even after their death. Send them gifts, etc.


Her death:

She passed away before the obligation of Salah. And she was buried in "Maqbarah Muallah". You may visit her grave if you happen to visit Hujool in Makkah. But go to Makkah with the intention of performing Umrah, don't go with the intention of visiting her grave alone. For it is prohibited to travel only for the sake visiting graves. Similarly, don't travel to Madina only with the intention of visiting the grave of the noble prophet (ﷺ). But once you reach there, you may obviously visit his grave, the graveyard called Jannat-ul Baqi, the martyrs of Uhud etc. 




لا تشد الرحال إلا لثلاثة مساجد



The prophet said: "Do not undertake a journey to visit any Mosque, but three: this Mosque of mine, the Mosque of al-Haram and the Mosque of Aqsa (Bait al-Maqdis)." We are not supposed to travel with the intention of worship anywhere other than the three masajid.




The scholars said deriving from this narration that it is not permissible to leave the mosques close-by, and travel to far away to mosques with the intention of I'tikaaf. Again the three sacred mosques are exception to this.




We went into another discussion. Before three days (or three months) of the death of Khadeejah, his uncle Abu Talib had as well passed away. And therefore, this year was named 'Aamul Huzn (the year of sorrow). Khadeeja would support him when inside the home, and Abu Talib was always in defense against those outside the house. Now both passed away together. And it was this year that he went to Taif and they threw pebbles and stones at him.




And look at the wisdom of Allah, he did not command his prophet to migrate until Abu Talib passed away. The noble prophet (ﷺ) then migrated from Makkah to Madina after 3 years. 




One of her other virtues is also that Allah's messenger (ﷺ) did not marry anyone else in her lifetime. She was one of the most successful profit making business leaders in Makkah. In-fact, she traded internationally to both Yemen and Shaam (comprising of Syria, Jordan etc). It was from her wealth that many slaves were freed from torture of Quraishittes. But a time came in her life time that she even had to tie stones in her stomach. She began spending all her wealth until she was left with nothing. 


Keep high morals even if you're alone:

She a had a slave Zaid ibn Haritha, who she gifted to the prophet (ﷺ). He was now a free man. When his dad and uncle went asking him to return to home, he denied it. Astonished with his denial, they asked, "Do you prefer to stay under him and servicing him instead of staying with us?" He replied, "The freedom that I receive by serving Muhammad is not what you can provide me." Such was the way how he treated servants and slaves. 




Reflect on this. Those working under us wish that we die, and constantly keep backbiting us and complaining about our mistreatment, not giving the wages and salaries on time, etc. We assume that by entering the Masjid and doing raf' al yadain, we have perfected in implementing the sunnah. Nah, it was by implementing all the sunnah of our prophet (ﷺ) that Islam shinned all over the world. But we have abandoned it by choosing what we want according to our benefits. 

Da'wah, not business:

We always try to get salaries, land and property through Da'wah. But look at the prophet (ﷺ) and his wife, when they began serving this deen, they both became extremely poor. Does this not needs to be reflected? We make Islamic schools, libraries, bookstores and get rich. May Allah make it easy for us to reflect, I do not intend to pin-point anyone.. 




Such days came in the life of our prophet (ﷺ) that when he was asked by a guest at his door, "Do you have some food?" He answered, "No." Then he went to the masjid asking others to contribute. 



Today, some of us run away upon seeing a poor, ill dressed man. And presume that he must have committed some sin due to which he is being punished. On the contrary, Allah's messenger (ﷺ) said, "If this world was worth anything, then he would not give a bit to a disveliever." But this world has no comparison with akhirah (after-life), nor does it has any worth. This is why he said, "The world is a prison-house for a believer and Paradise for a non-believer."


الدنيا سجن المؤمن وجنة الكافر



And the exact opposite of this is the matter of the akhirah! We will benefit a lot by studying the seerah.


May Allah's peace, mercy and blessings be upon our beloved prophet and his family!

[A page from Imam Ahmad's book Fadaail as-Sahaaba 

(virtues of the companions) with Tahqeeq of Shaikh Wasiullah Abbas]